If you could only see
by WithLove x me
Summary: Written based upon my impression of the song "If you could only see" By Tonic. How many times did she have to save him before he cold see that she was the one who needed a hero? Rated M-T For later chapters.


I don't own Degrassi. If I did nothing would come between Clare and Eli _ except…me! hehe…enjoy! and review if you did!

_I was never one to lie. It was making me sick. How long was I supposed to keep this a secret? If Eli ever found out, he'd never wanna speak to me ever again._

"Clare?"

I shook a bit, awoken from my thoughts as I lifted my head off my desk.

_Speak of the devil_

There he was. My gorgeous boyfriend. With the shiny black hair, and glossy emerald eyes. Standing there in all his perfection.

"Hi, Eli." I answered, without even looking.

He took a seat beside me, dropping his backpack onto the floor. Eli was reaching over for a kiss, when I turned my face so he gave me a small peck on the cheek. I

wasn't in the mood right now. I could feel these lies swelling up inside me. It made me want to bust out of my shell. It made me want to just ball my eyes out, run into

his arms and beg for forgiveness.

A small tear escaped my eye, I couldn't help it. I raised my hand quickly to wipe it away when I felt another hand beat me to it.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" He asked me instantly, wiping the tear from my cheek.

I so desperately wanted to tell him.

Now wasn't the time…not like there would ever be a good time. Eli was leaving for New York soon, his meds seemed to be evening him out so well, I couldn't take that

feeling away from him. Maybe I would never tell him.

"Clare." Eli repeated, this sounded more like a statement than a question.

"A-ah…" I started. "I'm fine."

He seemed puzzled, one eyebrow raised.

"Class is over…why are you still here? We should get going, maybe grab some food before you head over to Asher's?" Eli asked, he seemed worried.

"Yes…you're right. I must have lost track of time…I was just brainstorming…about my next article that I'm writing with Asher." I could feel the lies leave my mouth. They felt like

millions of paper cuts across my lips.

"Come on, Miss Edwards." He said with a smile, offering his hand. "Let me buy you some brain food."

I agreed, grabbing my backpack and taking his hand.

We were walking through the halls of Degrassi, hand in hand. I felt dirty.

i just wanted to spend every second with him. I was becoming more afraid of being away from him. With Eli, I was safe. Nothing could hurt me. As soon as I left his side, I was

vulnerable. There was no way I could tell him…he'd think I was clingy, or needy, and push me away.

"You're so quiet today, Edwards." He peered over at me, our fingers still intertwined.

"I'm sorry, Eli. I'm just lost in my own head today." At least that was truthful.

"How about we just go back to my house…I'm feeling kind of tired..I wanna lay down before my internship…" I sighed heavily. That was true too, I guess.

"Sure, Clare. Anything you want. Are you sure you don't wanna stop and get some food before we go back to your place?" He asked, facing me now.

"No, Eli, thank you…I just want to lay down." I could feel the fake smile tugging both sides of my lips.

His usual smiling face turned into a small frown as he took me into a warm embrace.

"I love you." He whispered in my ear. Giving me a small kiss on my cheek.

"Forever…and always?" I asked, breathing in his scent. Oh…how just the way he smelled drove me insane.

"Mhmm." He confirmed, and placed another kiss on my forehead.

We arrived at my house, as I lead him to my room. Familiar to him of course, he's been here many times before.

He jumped in my bed, turned on my tv and laid his arm out for me. I crawled into my bed, nuzzled into the crook of his neck and closed my eyes.

I could feel him wrap his arms around me and pull me closer, I felt safe. I would do anything to never leave this place.

I could feel myself drift into a deeper than usual sleep.

_NO….PLEASE STOP!_

"I'm falling in love with you, Clare! Don't leave!"

I was running, but I couldn't escape it. Everywhere I went he was there. I could feel tears spill from my eyes as I ran.

He grabbed me, he had me. He had one hand holding both my wrists as I struggled.

_Let me go! Please! _

I couldn't be screaming any louder.

"Clare…?"

"Get your hands off me!" I screamed, before I could recognize what I was saying. I must have still been in dream mode.

I shot up, sweat was pouring from my forehead, tears pouring from my eyes. I was shaking.

He pulled me into a quick embrace, and ran his hands through my hair.

"It was just a dream, Clare…relax"

"W-what time is it?!" I shouted, looking for my cell phone.

"It's 5:20…Clare, what's wrong? Come on." He repeated, his grip on me tightening.

"I-i…have my internship…" I didn't want to go, I just wanted to stay warm in his arms, but I knew I couldn't. I had a job to do…

"What aren't you telling me?" He asked, his voice a bit more aggressive.

Closing my eyes, a few tears followed. "Nothing, Eli. Just a bad dream…I have to go to my internship."

He released me and sighed. "I'll walk you."

I didn't want him to let me go.

Grabbing him, I pulled myself back into his arms. "Don't let me go…Please." I whispered.

"Are you calling out sick? Are you sure you're okay?" Eli mumbled, rubbing my back.

"Yes, I'm fine…I just wanna be here…with you."

Eli sighed. "If you're feeling okay, Clare then you should go to the Asher and write that article. I'll be waiting for your call if you want me to come back after."

I was trembling. He was right. As much as I didn't want to, I had to go. I did have this responsibility.

"You're right, I guess I need a few minutes to go get ready..."

"I'll wait here, go get ready and I'll walk you" He smirked, releasing his grip on me.

Hopping off my bed, I walked into the bathroom down the hall and locked the door.

I reached for the lighter in my jacket pocket, flicked it and brought the flame to the inner part of me elbow.

The burning was the release I needed. This was forming another bruise…I already lost count of how many I had.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Ran a brush through my hair, and washed my face.

"You're making me do this…you're making me hate myself." I bit my lip, putting my lighter back into my jacket and walked back into my bedroom.

"Are you ready to go?" Eli asked, slinging my work bag over his shoulder and extending his hand.

Nodding, I accepted his hand and walked down the stairs.

_Here we go…_


End file.
